St. Valentine’s Massacre

Event Description:
Commander John Blitzen and his team of Reindeer comman-does are the best of the best. St. Valentine and his army of Cherubic Snipers have gone too far! Their love arrows have ensnared Mrs. Claus, causing her to defect to the villainous Walmark Greeting Card Co. Your mission is to infiltrate Walmark’s Lunar Base, rescue Mrs. Claus, slay St. Valentine, and make it back to the North Pole in time for a nice afternoon lunch!

Santa’s Notes:
Looking back, I have no idea why I set this mission on the Moon nor why there was a fully stocked, Soviet version of Wal-Mart on the Moon. Sometimes the weirdness just happens. That said, if I’d never done those things there never would have been an Edna-bot, and that would have been a tragedy.

Character Sheets:

Notable Quotes:

“You Lo-Jacked your wife?”

“Don’t worry, sir. We’ll make putty out of those putti.”  DA

“Why did you do that?!”
“You kidnapped our grandmother!”
“The Edna-bot is expensive!”
“So is Santa’s love!”  CF & CB

“Do we have an electronics expert?”
“Yeah, me.”
“How are you not riding the Edna-bot yet?”
“He hasn’t had a move.” JS, JS, JS, DA

“I’m grabbing one of the dead babies that I assume has fallen into my cart, and say ‘Hey, babies, cleanup on Aisle You.”  JS

“You hear over the intercom, ‘Customer assistance to the snack aisle.’”
“I vill show you customer assistance!”
[Roll. Miss.]
“I vill show you Soviet customer assistance.”

“You can move through other reindeer, you just can’t end on other reindeer.”
“Wait a minute, this is Mature Themes. What do you mean, we can’t end on other reindeer.”  CF & JY

“The customer service desk is where all the defective returned stuff is.”
“Faulty Truck Nutz.”  __ & DA

“Tell us where the fat man’s old lady is. I realize this is Walmark’s and this may not narrow things down.”  DA

“I charge the leader, shouting, ‘Cut off the head, and the minions will… run away… or something.”
“That’s the worst battle cry ever.”  CB & JS
“What kind of idiot throws a grenade in the middle of a fist fight?”
“Just like a middle manager to bring fists to a grenade fight.”  CF & JM

“If you take away anything from here, it’s that shotguns are good against VCRs.”  CF

“Take it from a pro. There are good ways and bad ways to blow up a room.”  JM

“He is gored to death.”
“Like a Peruvian coffee farmer.”  CF & JY

“Welcome to the first store on the moon!”
“Who shops here?!”
“Nobody. But the important thing is, the Soviet Union was here first!”
[Russian accent] “Wait, if you have been here as kepitalist thirty years, you were traitor all along.”  CF, __, CF, JY

“Not only are you kepitalist, you are bad kepitalist.”  JY

“I’m going to run in, leap on the desk, and gore St. Valentine.”
“And that’s something you never thought you’d have to say.”  KF & JS

“This is why winners don’t do drugs.”
“I did more hits when I was on the drugs. Admittedly one of them was Mrs. Claus.”  JS & DA

“I turn to Mrs. Claus. ‘Are you really immortal?’”
“Yes dearie, I’m eight hundred and…”
“I pick her up and swing her into Valentine.”  JS & CF