It’s the Great Pumpkin—Shoot It!
Event Description:
General John Blitzen and his reindeer Comman-does are the best of the best. Countless foes having fallen in front of their antlers, including the diabolical Easter Bunny, the not-so-holy St. Valentine, and the traitorous Rudolph. But this year, The Menacin’ Venison face their most terrifying foe yet. The Great Pumpkin has risen, and he thirsts for blood!
Santa’s Notes:
I thought it would be fine to twist expectations and had the crew fight the Great Pumpkin right away. Then Santa died and the Reindeer had to fight their clones. Good times!
Character Sheets:
Notable Quotes:
[looking at a character sheet with a listed field of Goring] “One of these years, your name should be Hermann.” DA
“Santa’s blood is being spilled on the altar.”
“He really does bleed chocolate syrup. We gotta get this guy on a diet.”
“It’s just a Nick.” CF, JS
“Is that the first grappling rule? Grappling: Subsection: Fuck that.”
“No, that’s the first of the hentai rules.” __, DA
[Santa:] “Oh the ho-ho-horror! My ha-ha-heart!” CF
“As a matter of fact, he picks up Santa’s corpse and hits everybody within two squares.”
“I can’t help but feel there’s something symbolic of my whole term of employment in this.” CF, KF
“Cupid, your turn.”
[brightly] “Hi!”
“I love the idea of you just popping up and saying ‘Hi!’ after every turn.”
“I have a bit of a memory problem.”
“Cupid is part goldfish.” CF, SS, JS?, SS, CF
[to the Great Pumpkin] “Hey! You there! Pie!”
“Yeah?”
“…you actually answer to that?”
“It’s short for Piethglthlheh, which is my actual name.”
“While he’s talking, I try to throw a grenade down his throat. He’s a giant pumpkin head, after all.”
“Eat hot nutmeg tracer, bitch.” JS
[post-explosion] “Pepto?” JM
“Are you rules-lawyering my non-rules-existent system?” CF
“Ablative saints are not a thing in this system.”
“But is he incorruptible.” KF, DA
“This time the enemy didn’t monologue enough.”
“I set up a ‘Hit on the boss: Take a number’ booth.” JM
“You take Santa’s corpse back to the North Pole. It’s a sad day.”
[laying down a card] “Gin!”
“I go through his pockets.”
“It’s a sad day for anybody who isn’t a sociopath.” CF, JM, JS, CF
[Amazing Grace is played on bagpipes at Santa’s funeral]
“Santa was Scottish?”
“No, he was Vulcan. It made just as much sense there.”
“Scotty only knew one song.”
“You’ve got your run-of-the-mill stabby elves here. Their uniforms have sabers. [pause] I love how nobody questioned that.” CF
[having skinned Santa’s face before he came back as pumpkiny undead] “Hey Santa, got your nose!” JS
“I may be an Elder One, but you people are terrible.”
“We’re not people!”
“We’re better than people.”
[Comet tosses a grenade]
“It might take an unfavorable bounce. Five isn’t very good.”
“It wasn’t a one, so it won’t land in my pants.” CF, JM
“If at first you don’t succeed… throw another grenade at her feet.” CF
“Aw, we broke Kathleen. And we only brought one.” JS
“The fucking elf-riding jokes are never gonna end now. If they have tentacles it doesn’t count! I’m gonna have nightmares now.” JS
“Oh, now you guys are using your noggins.”
“In fairness, Dasher always uses her noggin.” CF, SS
“You take a bagpappatat…” CF, crit fumbling “bagpipe attack”
“A bunch of vines have grown over the windows.”
“Vines?”
“Yes, six-second videos from the internet.”
“Where’s Santa’s daughter?”
“She didn’t come to the funeral.”
“What the hell? I mean, I was wearing her father’s face, but I was there.” KF, CF, JS
“Follow protocol, guys.”
“You mean shoot everything that goddamn moves, including each other?”
“Yes!” JS, JS
[opens a crate]
“You have a woefully inaccurate machine gun.”
“Yes!”
[everyone else cringes] CF, JS
“He has a blowup doll with Mrs. Claus’s face on it.”
“That’s just sad. Live in the now. Well, he can’t because he’s dead now. Unlive in the now, is what I’m saying.”
“That’s not Mrs. Claus, that’s Abe Vigoda.” __, JS, DA
“Who cut off Vixen’s hoof and brought it with them?”
[everybody looks at Dancer]
“What? I mean, yes, but I want to hear why you think so. It makes me feel good about myself.” MS, JS
“You jut killed yourself and Comet.”
“That was actually really damned satisfying. And karmically inevitable.” CF, KF
“Do they clone our weapons, too?”
“Duh.”
“What if we are the clones that were set to ‘Good’? ‘Jesus, this thing is way out of calibration.” JS
[as Dancer crit-fails with a machine gun] “Will someone who isn’t me take that away from him?” KF
“Just like ‘clink, roll’ means ‘get away,’ ‘Hey guys, I just found a machine gun’ means ‘Everybody get down.’ It’s like whack-a-mole: we just pop up on our turns and go back down.” JS
“If you wannna fuck your clone…”
“You must whip it!” JM & CF
“We keep telling you to use the gun!”
“But it’s such a small boom…”
“What if we all yelled ‘Bang’ really loudly?” __, JM
[while fighting his clone] “Fuck me.”
“Well, now’s your chance.” JS, DA
[while still fighting his clone] “Is this what I’m really like?”
“Yes.” JS, all
“January 1964, and Operation: S.A.N.T.A. was set in Dallas. It was really awkward.”
“Yeah, the book depository fight was weird. We found the crate with that rifle…”
“Better than 1978 when we were all tripping on LSD. We played for six hours and no notes were taken.”
“They just said ‘hands hands hands” over and over.”
“I thought I had hooves and my character had hands. I was so confused.”
“Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of C4,
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I’m going to clear the floor.” CF
“I’m shooting the two Dancers and Santa.”
“Vixens. You’re Dancer.”
“Am I? Am I? That’s what I ask myself when I look in the mirror every morning. ‘Go out and be the best whoever-the-hell-you-are you can be.” JS, SS
“Where’s the book? I think it’s on page 96.”
“I’ve got the book right here in my pocket.” [produces middle finger]
“It’s right there in the rules of Operation: S.A.N.T.A.”
“…’Go fuck yourself.’” JS, CF, __, CF
“Since I’m down and can’t take more damage, can you just roll me across the floor to clear away the glass?” JS
“We should just incapacitate one party member per fight and use them as a meat shield.”
