The Dystopian Reality of Baby New Year
Event Description:
General John Blitzen and his reindeer Comman-does are the best of the best. Santa is dead. The North Pole is in ruins. Santa’s daughter, Victoria, has gone into the Clausrest. Mrs. Claus has disappeared. When all hope seems lost for our cloven-hoofed heroes, when the year is at its darkest, that’s when Baby New Year makes his move! No one is safe.
Santa’s Notes:
This year wrapped up the running theme of fighting Holiday-Themed bad guys, as I’d more or less run out of Holiday Themed bad guys. In the interest of retrospection, I threw in a bunch of monsters from previous years and every small holiday persona I could think of. I wanted to add two slots to the capacity of the event, so I added Washington and Lincoln (representing both their birthdays and Presidents Day) to the mix as playable characters, hilarity ensued. Other minor holidays that made an appearance as both good and bad guys: Arbor Day, Cinco de Mayo, and Earth Day.
The characters started the session captured by Baby New Year, so I made up some special character sheets to mark the occasion. I also revamped the abilities of the characters slightly, giving them some more descriptive names than they had before. The presidents also got some slightly revamped sheets to signify their special status.
Character Sheets:
Notable Quotes:
“It’s kind of like the Odinsleep, in that it’s convenient for the plot that she’s not here.” CF
“What kind of blast radius is on these collars?”
“You’ll have to find that out for yourselves.”
“Okay, we’ll need a long stick and someone who sleeps really soundly…” MS, CF, JS
[Donner decapitated by an explosion] “Ooh, I did not need to see that. It’s okay, we have a magical top hat. We can fix this.” CF
“I definitely don’t have enough magical hats for this.” CF
“In this hall, you find two people you never expected to see.”
“Mommy? Daddy?” CF, GM
“It’s the holiday Superfriends.” JS
“I thought we killed all the gnomes.”
“They breed like fuck.”
“…Most things breed like fuck.” MS, ??, SS
“We have somebody with thumbs finally. There’s so much I want you to do…” JS
“I’m really disappointed that it’s regular Lincoln and not vampire Lincoln.”
“You can put that in the feedback at the end of the session.” ??, CF
“Lunk! Get in here!”
[in stereo] “They have a cave troll!” CF, DA & MS
“Abraham Lincoln, what are you going to do?”
“Shake my new friend’s hand. We just freed him from bondage.” CF, CB
“She’s tiny, right? I’m seeing Master and Blaster.” JS
“You hear a lot of noises—guns being cocked, orders being shouted…”
[singing] “It’s beginning to sound a lot like Christmas…” CF, JM
“In the antechamber…”
“Don’t let it contact a regular chamber!”
“You killed my father!”
“You ate Frosty’s nose!” CF, JS
“He eats the carrot and vomits acid on you.”
“Are the two connected?”
“No, he just wanted to finish his meal before throwing it up.”
“Aw, I hoped his power was turning carrots into acid.”
“He just has really terrible GERD.” CF, ??, CF, ??, JT
“Tiny Dancer jumps on your back.”
“Tiny Dancer refuses to walk!” CF, AL
“Punxsutawny Phil is 6′ tall, with a groundhog face, buff as shit.”
“I’m terrified and aroused.”
“Then I’m doing my job.” CF, AL
“Can we clear the Easter Bunny’s corpse out of the way? It dissolves into… who-gives-a-shit.” CF
“Dear journal, today I only killed one of my friends…”
“Your humps, your humps, your lovely reindeer lumps.” JM
“Abraham Lincoln, the chicken is going to jump up in your face. It’s hanging onto your beard and hitting you with your own stovepipe hat.”
[Roll. Critical miss.]
“Tell me it’s wearing the hat.” CF, AL
“Washington made Stovetop Stuffing out of Lincoln’s head.”
“Obviously next year you’ll be fighting evil rabbit Lincoln. This game writes itself.” CF
“For the love of God, WALK. You lazy, lazy reindeer. You have four hooves, use at least two of them.” JS
“After all we have done, I think a little cannibalism is not beyond the pale.”
“I mean, they’re already dead.”
“I’m just surprised it’s taken seven years to get there.” KF, JM, CF
“I am Cinco de Mayo, a racially offensive stereotype perpetuated by Americans.” CF
“Abraham Lincoln, the spirit of the Earth is going to try to blast you with solar radiation.” CF
“I’m gonna shoot Che Guevara. [roll] No, I’m not.” AL
“’We are Arbor Day.’ He collapses into a pile of twigs.” CF
“’“You will pay for this, George Washington.” Even your threats are square.’ I’ve been hanging fire on that line this entire game.” DA
“He’s not as great as the Great Pumpkin, but better than a good pumpkin.” CF
“This is the only time I’ve seen a downed character take more damage. And it makes perfect sense.”
“DM Fairfield—harsh, but fair.” KF, CF
“These things happen.”
“It doesn’t usually happen to the pretty ones!”
“It’s long been a policy among the commandos that civilian casualties and collateral damage are never a cause for finger-pointing.”
“But he’s pretty!”
“So we’ll stuff him and take him with us.” ??, AL, JT, AL, GM
