Doe of Future Past

Event Description:
Commander John Blitzen and his team of Reindeer comman-does stand victorious, having defeated all other holidays and winning the War For Christmas. Their R&R is cut short when George Washington and Honest Abe show up armed to the teeth with Cybernetic enhancements — refugees from the post apocalyptic past. Now The Menacin’ Venison must fight their way across time itself, to save themselves and the multiverse!

Santa’s Notes:
Having finished the Holiday series the previous year, this year was basically a big reboot of the series. I figured there was a lot of fun to be had with a time travel theme, so I ran with it. I completely refreshed the character sheets, replacing the venerable “License to Kill” design with one I intentionally based on the Back to the Future Flux Capacitor dashboard. I tried to give each character some fun new abilities.

For the first time in a while, I completely overhauled the items that were available. I included some new versions of old favorites and some completely new ones from the a variety of ages and multiverses.

The game was a fun romp through historically inaccurate history and ended with the character fighting a weird mashup of the axis-power leaders and illuminati folks performing an occult ritual. The session ended with with the characters blowing up the multiverse, all-in-all business as usual at Operation Santa.

Character Sheets:

Notable Quotes:

“And I’ll form the bacon.”

“The rulebook is like the Yellow King. Reading it makes you go insane.” CF

“The peace is shattered…”

“Hooray!” CF, all

[Thomas Jefferson has been shot]

“Don’t you have slaves to help with that, Tommy?”

“They’re all too pregnant to help me.” MS, CF

“You go through Jefferson’s pockets. They’re full of marijuana and $2 bills. But the $2 bills have the Easter Bunny on them and the slogan is ‘In Evil We Trust.’” CF

“The peppermint asshole.”

“Woo, that’s refreshing!” __, KF

“What sort of marketable skills do you have for the 1820s?”

[Lincoln’s hand shoots up] ‘President!” CF, AL

“So we’re in the one peaceful future and somebody finds a way to start a fight anyway.” JM

“He was ducking down to save his dead friend. ‘Flurga flurga Steve!’” CF

“It’s a grand Operation S.A.N.T.A. Tradition that Abraham Lincoln get critically missed at some point.” CF

“It’s somehow appropriate that not only did we start trouble immediately, it was on a morals charge.” JM

“I’m the Great Emancipator.”

“I don’t know what that means, but it sounds hot.” AL, JS

[T-Rex mini is moved awkwardly] “Is it presenting its butt at me?!? ‘Hey…’” JS

[Re Booth-bots] “Are they from the Stephen Sondheim annex to the Hall of Presidents at Disney?” KF

“Reindeer shoot back, motherflurgen!” JM

[discussing playing Operation S.A.N.T.A. with alcohol] “It should be like ASL—just the whole weekend.”

“I would feel like a terrible person.”

“I’m afraid I would run out of terrible.” DA, AL, JS

“Yeah, continue to bleed. Daddy likes that. …Why does it always get quiet when I say things like that?” JS

“Washington is down, and somebody just used a healing item.” [referring to a nanite suppository that just gray-gooed a Booth-bot]

“There’s some on the ground over there. Just scoop some up and start ladling it in.” JM, JS

[to Lincoln, as the historic Lincoln has just been shot.]

“You know, Lincoln didn’t die right away. You could run up there with some of the goo and save him.”

“There’d be some really confused people between here and there.”

“So that’s why Mary Todd was so fucked up. [miming taking her face in his hands] ‘No one will ever believe you, sweetheart.’ [smooch]”

“While you’re shoving nanites up dying Lincoln’s ass?” ??. KF, JS

“Let’s say I emancipated his head from his shoulders.” AL

[on “EVILETTE” logo] “Hey, it’s an anagram for VILE TEET.” MS

“I’m going to shuck John Wilkes Booth out of his armor—I don’t care if it’s soiled—and put it on over my marzipan armor.”

“It’s made for somebody with thumbs.”

[miming] “I can get this. I can get this.” JS, KF

“Cupid, you’ve been critically hit with an arrow.”

[referring to earlier friendly-fire incident committed by Cupid] “Sucks, doesn’t it?” CF, AL

“If the crate won’t come to Mount Doom, Mount Doom will go to the crate.” JS

[after accidentally shooting an ally] “I’m helping!”

“Which side?” JS, JM

“He’s on fire.”

“How does that work with the night vision goggles?”

[clutching eyes] “The goggles do too much!”

“It’s an enemy. It’s an enemy with a thermal detonator.”

[Native American commando receives a gift-wrapped proximity mine via hoverboard] “I feel like this is historically accurate.” AL

[on Washington’s plan, above] “It’s shit like that that got you elected in the first place.”

“Is the first aid kit one-time- only? It doesn’t say it is.”

“Yes it does, right on page 71 of the rulebook.”

“It just says ‘Shut up, Shumate.’” JS, CF

“Flargin for the flarg god!” AL

“This looks like modern Washington, D.C. Modern buildings, goose-stepping fascists in the streets.”

“Oh, it’s a Trump rally.” CF, JM

“The crates are beyond the bad guys.”

“We can break through that line. ‘Red rover, red rover, gimme that shit.” KF, JS

“Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of doom. Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, it’s time to clear the room.” JM

[after Lincoln sniped the Easter Bunny with the derringer that killed him] “Sic semper lepus!” DA

“I was gonna release the weasel all over the Easter Bunny.”

“That sounds like such a euphemism.”

“It’s the scene they had to cut out of Roger Rabbit.” JS, KF, DA

[Dreidel of Destruction wipes out the last three enemies on the field] “Judaism saves the day!”

“In a Christmas-themed game, Judaism saving the day is the best possible outcome.” MS, CF

“You wind up in an antechamber.”

“These things are dangerous. You can’t let them contact a regular chamber.”

“That’s at least the third year that line’s been used.”

“You’re welcome.”

“We appreciate it more every year,”

“We do?”

“Shh.” CF, JM, JS, SS, JS

[cultist Nixon] “That’s right, I’m magic. I am not a crook. But I am a mighty wizard,”

“He must have killed Kennedy with the magic bullet! It all makes sense!” CF, JS

“He’s going to Force-choke Cupid,”

“Legally-distinct- from-Force- choke,”

“Mass-times- acceleration-choke.” CF, AL, TN

“That’s a president’s true weakness—bullets.” JS

“I’m gonna save the dinosaurs for whatever awful thing is going to happen next.” JM

“Zombie Reagan says, ‘Losers do drugs!’”

“Oh shit, he knows us,”

“Do you have any?” CF, JS, TM

“Teddy Roosevelt’s bull rush attack… I mean Bull Moose rush,”

“Yeah, he’s not Moses.” CF, DA

“I’m not taking this armor off until it blows up around me. Never ever. I’d like to point out that so far it’s stopped more friendly fire than

enemy fire.”

“That’s how you know we’re playing the game right.” JM, CF

[describing black-painted chamber with a pentagram, evil eye symbols, chanting cultists] “ It’s just like your college dorm room.” CF

“Now that someone who has lived through at least some modern times is here, who is it?”

“It’s a familiar figure with a toothbrush mustache.”

“Charlie Chaplin, no!”

“He did say Modern Times.” JM, CF, ??, DA

“How many times can you say ‘Release the weasel’?”

“Many.” SS, JS

“Mussolini, Hirohito, and Steve. Steve is the guy who invented the Instant Messaging thing that lets you know if somebody has seen your message and isn’t answering.”

“That guy is the worst.” CF, AL

[Washington’s apparently evil alternate self, to our Washington] “I’m you from like a year in the future. A lot happens.” CF

“The Operation S.A.N.T.A. Educational Series, Module One: Doe of Future Past.” CF

“Four gingerbread damage to Hirohito.” DA

“Hitler gets critically hit by a gingerbread throwing star.”

“Two of the raptors cross the pentagram and merge with the weasel.”

“It’s just a big pile of animal tentacles.”

“I’ve seen this movie. A Japanese schoolgirl is about to walk in and then it gets weird.” CF, AL, JS

“I’m going to harvest the quivering jowls of Richard Nixon. For my collection.” MS