Crisis of Infinite Hooves

Event Description:

Commander John Blitzen and his team of Reindeer comman-does have blown up the gorram multiverse! Now it’s up to the Menacin’ Venison, along with their good friends George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, to put it back together again or (probably) die trying!

Santa’s Notes:

Since I did time travel the previous year, I decided to shake it up and do alternate universes this year. I tweaked the character sheets from 2016 and gave each one some minor updates to reflect their reality of origin. I also snuck some more abilities onto the characters by offloading abilities onto item cards that they started the game with.

Probably the most fun of these was George Washington’s, who was secretly a sorcerer who gained magical power by killing bad guys. He could drain other people’s life, use force lightning, or even dominate a person.

As for the game itself, the players chased the illuminati across multiple dimensions. The dimensions replaced the rooms of previous years’ games. Once all the bad guys died and all of the C.R.A.T.E.S were grabbed, the dimension changed automatically. I came up with 18 different dimensions ahead of time, a home dimension for each of the reindeer (where they got a bonus to their rolls) and eight more dimensions of general weirdness.

Possible Dimensions:

Psychic Wars – 2020 (Vixen)
Lincoln Assassinates Booth – 1869 (Lincoln)
Robot Uprising – 2000 (Prancer)
Kingdom of America – 1797 (Washington)
Russians Win Cold War – 1983 (Cupid)
Irish Win World War III – 2031 (Dancer)
Japan Wins World War II – 1945 (Comet)
Just Vikings, Vikings Are Cool – 793 (Dasher)
Deadite Invasion – 1981 (Donner)
Operation Santa Verse – 2017 (Blitzen)
Hands for Feet and Feet for Hands World – 1992
Trumpmerica – 2017
Utopia – 3002
Buffyverse – 1997
Neo-Tokyo – 1999
Lizards Rule the World – 1976
Planet of the Apes – 2000
“Bad Guys Have Won” Planet – 1919

Character Sheets:

Notable Quotes:

[robot] “Meat bag.”

“Want some? I got spares.” JSw, Jsh

“Is it wrong that the fact that she might bite my head off after sex is really working for me?”

“I sent you to fix the Multiverse last year!”

“You’re welcome!” CF, AL

“I don’t know how I just did that fingersnap.” JS

“We all perceive each other as speaking familiar languages, but for some reason he’s badly dubbed in all of them.” KF

“You turn into babies and back again. Jake, you turn into a microwave.”

“I’m gonna make a burrito in you.”

“That’s not the worst thing I’ve heard in this game, and that’s sad.” CF, JS

“Take two damage as an axe swings down from the ceiling and embeds in your forehead.”

“That’s where I left the damned thing.” CF, JS

[to the Irish reindeer, re: zombies] “You know they’re English.”

“Oh feck.”

“In a flurry of killing…”

“And an attack on bacon, which is an attack on all of us.” CF

“The infection compels you to lie about the state of infection.”

“Hit it in the jibbly bits.”

“It’s a tentacle monster. It’s all jibbly bits.”

“If it’s Ghibli bits, is there a cat spirit and non-jet-powered flight in the Japanese countryside?”

“So are we going to fight the tentacle creature, or each other for the crate?”

“That’s a very good question and I look forward to finding out the answer.” __ & CF

[After Shumate’s joke about David Bowie was met with “Too soon!” Josh pulled a crate] “Bowie knife: Discard this item to make a target really sad for a year; they lose their last turn.”

[vaguely English accent] “Oi, what’s going on in here? I’m not Irish any more…” MW

“Next up is Spike, who switches his attention to the Sexy Irishman who just walked in.”

“I ship it! I ship it!” CF, AL

“Blood just starts pouring out of nothing. You think you’ve hit your target. Either that or another tear has opened in the multiverse and blood is pouring out for some reason.” CF

[punched to death by Xander] “ Is that the most embarrassing death in Operation SANTA?” CF

“Take one hit, and feel bad about yourself.” CF

“Why aren’t you in your classroom? And why are you a reindeer?” CF

“A tall vampire appears…”

“The Master?”

“Yes.”

“The Master, or Rutger Hauer? Rutger Hauer would be better.”

“You know what? That’s better. Reality shimmers and it’s Rutger Hauer. Not his character from the Buffy movie, just Rutger Hauer.”

“You could revive Willow.”

“I’ve got a plan for that.”

“You’re not going to skin her and pretend to be her, are you?”

“I have two plans for that.” __, JS, KF, JS

“I’m going to raise her. Undead lesbian witch, under my control!”

“No part of this is not a good idea.”

“Giles doesn’t realize you’re not the same one who was in here a minute ago, and keeps talking about theories about anthropomorphic reindeer.”

“That’s kind of racist. He can’t tell us apart?” CF, AL

“I don’t want to attract Rutger Hauer’s attention.”

“Good idea.” JY, CF

[Xander has died] “This is really therapeutic. I’m really working some things out this year.”

“I’m using my laser sword on Rutger Hauer.”

“Star Wars is a shit film, made by shit people, for shit people.”

“It’s a non-copyright-infringement sword.” DA, CF

“The ever-growing hunger for brains has gone away.”

“Good, because at this table I was going to go hungry.” CF, JM

[singing] “He would make Blade Runner 2, that’s what Rutger Hauer’d do!” JM & JS

“Buffy says, ‘Why is everybody being mean to National Treasure Rutger Hauer?’” CF

“As he slumps over, he says, ‘I never got an Oscar, and that’s the biggest tragedy of all.’” CF

“An Oscar-shaped crystal appears.”

“It was inside him all along!” CF, DA

“I use the slightly-used burial shroud to revive National Soviet Treasure Rutger Hauer.” JY

“I feel like, next year, I’m going to find handwritten item cards from Shumate just slipped into the stack. ‘How the hell? These were in my house all year!’”

“Not all year. You sleep like a baby.” CF, JS

“I figured it out finally. I have a Sorcerous Lesbian Undead Teenager. I have a huge SLUT.”

“Lose fifty experience point.” JS, CF

“So while you were in the void, Cupid invoked Communism.”

“Is the orange monster the color of a Cheeto?”

“Yeah, not one of the fluffy ones, but a crunchy knobby thing.” AL, CF

“There must have been some magic in that old dead teenager I found. ‘Cause when I shot her in the chest she began to dance around.”

“Like this.” [twitches spasmodically] JS, TN

“A flap of flesh peels away from his face, revealing an insectile head.”

“I hate him less now.” CF, AL

“You knocked over my hot lesbian! She’s only a little dinged up, but she’s new to me.” JS

“Can I inconvenience the Trump monster by Force-pushing one of the Trumpjugend into him?”

“It’s petty. It’s the sort of thing he hates the most.”

[Trump] “Nobody shoots guns at me. Everybody loves me.”

“No, everybody loves Rutger Hauer.” CF, AL

“I’m sorry that my already problematic list I made in six seconds is problematic. It was a bad idea to begin with. Let’s move on. Who wants to punch a Klansman?” CF

“I immediately get another hit on that one.”

“The dead one?!?” JS, AL

“I have a feeling if you squeeze Trump you get Tang.”

“Thank you for tainting my happy childhood memories of astronaut beverages.”

“I’d say, ‘Ia,Ia, Chthulhu f’thagen,’ but that’s an insult to Cthulhu and everything he stands for.” CF

“The King in Orange!” AL

“Make America Crate Again.” MW

“Only one crate contains bacon and that’s bacon!” JM

“You land briefly in a world where people have hands for feet and feet for hands.”

“Are we reindeer again?”

“Yes.”

“But we have front hooves in place of back hooves, and vice versa. We can tell the difference and are really disturbed.” CF, __, CF, JS

[looking at map of a new world with a huge pentagram in the center of an island floating in lava] “Oh good, this is a much happier place.”

[re: buff shirtless Rudolph] “We just saw Rutger Hauer. This is nothing.” AL

“I’m going to have her make out with Mussolini to distract him while I attack him with the chainsaw.” JS

[singing] “Jesus Christ, Shu-u-mate, what the fuck did you just say?” JM

[Russian accent] “Possibly the only thing more satisfying than attacking the Cheeto monster with the not-copyright-infringing laser sword is attacking Hitler with the not-copyright-infringing laser sword.” JY

[trying to hit] “Nine!” [sounds like nein] AF

“Mussolini offers you a plate of spaghetti.”

“Where did he pull it from?”

“Hammerspace?”

“That’s probably the least disturbing answer.” CF, __, CF, AL

“I want to put a peppermint stick up Hirohito’s ass. [beat] I have very specific desires.” MW

“My plans have been in the works for years and years. It isn’t a retcon, it’s a plan.” CF

“Laser eyes? Don’t you mean laser nose? You can’t even get the continuity of your own powers right!”

“Everything I say is canon, everything you say is up for debate.” JM, CF

“I’m going to continue to slice at Hitler with my laser sword.”

“It’s sentences like that that make me love this game.”

“And I will say ‘I have the high ground!’” [rolls a natural 20]

“Steve preternaturally moves his Apple watch again. The shot bounces off and hits you for one. How much of your damage have you done to yourself?”

“Three out of five.”

“Then we’re playing this game right.” CF, AL

[Hirohito has been stabbed with the Bowie knife] “Aladdin Sane was a Japanese exclusive at first. He really loved our people.” [looks mournful] CF

“So far I’ve just ate spaghetti and got knocked out.” JS

[Washington made Rudolph run onto the lava] “Do the McGuffins float to the surface?”

“No, they’re destroyed forever.” __, CF